fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
