i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
