Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
