i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
