Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
