can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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