Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
