My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
