I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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