Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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