Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
