I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
