Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
