can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
