Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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