I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
