he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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