I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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