Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
