I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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