3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
