every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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