i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
