Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
