At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
