So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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