Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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