i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
