I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
