i was born a porn star she said
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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