Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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