meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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