Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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