He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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