8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
