I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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