I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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