Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
