I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
