two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
