sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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