I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
