either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
