was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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