i need an iv and a liver transplant
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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