i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
