sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
