so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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