Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
