Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
a search helicopter?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
